The Style Invitational Week 1009: What’s in a name
By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday,
February 14, 4:29 PM
Rick Santorum: It’s a crisis! Am I crass? I’m not. Man ’n’ man is
tantamount to man ’n’ mutt. To man ’n’ cat. To man ’n’ rat. To man ’n’ trout!
TO MAN ’n’ STORK!!! ICK! (Daniel Mauer)
As the Empress continued to dip into the archives to dig up classics for
the Invite’s 20th-anniversary retrospective — look here in three weeks — she
couldn’t wait to give another go to this contest, one that yielded some of our
best results ever in both Week 341 (2002) and Week 617 (2005). [See the results
of those contests here.]: Write something about some person, real or fictional,
using only the letters in the person’s name, as in the example above from 2005
(yes, Santorum has been very good to the ’Vite for many years). You might use
the person’s middle name if the person uses it himself, or a woman’s maiden
name along with her married name, or “Jr.,” or, ahem, “III,” but not a title or
description along with the name. Obviously, it’s less impressive to come up
with something from a long, long name. You don’t have to use all the letters,
and you may use any letter in the name as often as you like. Really long
passages have to be worth the space; you don’t get brownie points just for
generating a zillion ho-hum words.
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this fabulous coin
purse made from a genuine Australian cane toad. Donated by not-yet-a-Loser
Marilyn London.
Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for “My Cup Punneth Over”
mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag (“Almost Valuable Player”). Honorable
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly,
tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
losers@washpost.com or fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 25; results published March 17
(online March 14). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week
1009” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your
real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules
and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable
mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline in the “next week’s results”
line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on
Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 1006, in which we asked you to
come up with a novel superhero (or not-so-superhero):
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
The Green Intern: Wields extraordinary powers to embarrass and screw up
while performing ordinary tasks. (Michael Reinemer, Annandale, Va.)
2. Winner of the Tiny Kung Fu Fighter figure: Stuporman: Activates his Bore-Ring to render
criminals unconscious. So why isn’t he heading the Justice Department instead
of State? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
3. Taximan: Can magically hail a cab anytime, in any weather, in any
neighborhood — and he’s black. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
4. Swap Thing: Possesses the power to take a dusty, moldy art box and turn
it into a dusty, moldy fly rod. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
Not so cape-able: honorable mentions
Alablaster: The world’s most powerful PR agent, he can whitewash even a
Lindsay Lohan-caliber screw-up. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
The Amazing Shlärftäg has the power to put together Ikea furniture in a
single attempt without losing any pieces. (Steve Goldsmith, Springfield, Va., a
First Offender)
Wonkella: She swoops down to identify, frame and analyze public policy
problems and create solutions that are always Pareto-optimal and that square
values with perfect reflective equilibrium! (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
The Peequalizer: Magically changes stadium men’s rooms to ladies’ rooms
when the lines are ridiculously disproportionate. (Dottie Gray, Alexandria,
Va., a First Offender)
The Trumpeter: Able to (1) blow his own horn, (2) start tall buildings with
a single check and (3) stop traffic with his hair. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Bleeperman: Faster than a speeding bull---t! (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.)
The DeweyDecimalators: Five battle-hardened, cynical librarians known as
the Order of the Shelves guard the Houses of Knowledge against the sons and
daughters of Chaos. (Lawrence McGuire)
Mag Neat-o: Can remove the shipping label from a publication without
ruining the cover! (Dion Black, Washington)
The Scarlet Taper: He rescues government servants from the curses of
efficiency and effectiveness. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
The Flesh: His body transforms simple carbohydrates to harness the awesome
force of gravity, powering his struggle to free South Beach from the nefarious
Dr. Atkins and his sinister Glycemic Index. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)
Eneman: Fleet of, well, ’tain’t feet. (Christopher Larsen, Richmond,
Calif.)
SuperScalper: Has the magical ability to get more than face value for
Wizards tickets. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
The Applicator: Able to administer an entire dose of hemorrhoid cream into
the “affected area” without smearing. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
COMMAndo: Assuring life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness by adding
serial commas to all sentences lacking them. Then he’ll smile, wave to his
fans, and fly off into the vasty blue. (John Shea, Philadelphia)
Irony Man: His Snarc-Reactor-powered suit enables him to effortlessly
combat the forces of evil, as soon as he’s finished watching this episode of
“Portlandia.” (Andrew Heyman, Chicago, a First Offender)
Miss D’Opportunity: Whispers perfect ripostes in the ears of the
just-dissed — too late, of course. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
Hit and Missus: A crime-fighting couple able to defeat a few bad guys
occasionally. (Konrad Schwoerke, Chapel Hill, N.C.)
Aqua Velva Man: Lives in the ocean and hangs out with fish because women
don’t want anything to do with him. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
Karma Man: Comes around and bites you in the butt. (Christopher Larsen)
The Prim Reaper: She doesn’t look life-threatening, but . . . (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.)
Impotento: Don’t even try to [mess] with him! (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg,
Va.)
Mr. Who: Mysterious adventurer who travels through time saving civilizations
and correcting cosmic imbalances, but is still working on his dissertation.
(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Reply-All Man: Able to infuriate dozens with the press of a single finger.
(John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)
Wonder Womb-Man: Has the unfailing ability to spot a woman who happens to
have a bit of belly fat, and then ask her “So, when are you due?” (Dion Black)
Yoda Berra: Stymies evildoers by speaking in twisted syntax AND twisted
logic: “Over not is it over is it until.” (Gary Crockett)
Scantily Clad Woman: Who cares what her powers are? Just buy the comic,
fanboy. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Yo-Mama: She doesn’t have any superpowers, but she’s had all the
superheroes. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)
Supermensch: No powers, to be honest; just a really nice guy. Criminals
just give up to be in his company. (Larry Gray)
Next week’s results: Clue Us In, or
Cross Your Har